Oh Captain My Captain

12 Aug

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I am Pagliacci”. –Rorschach

I can deal with Robin Williams dying. It makes me sad but i can deal with it. Everyone goes sometimes. But i am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that it’s suicide. It feels like something fundamental that was never supposed to happen happened.  Like a law of physics has been broken and the world cannot be trusted again. People kill themselves, i get it. But not… for heaven’s sake not Robin Williams.

I’ve seen him be humble. I’ve seen him be funny (as HELL), i’ve seen him act like a master, he was insightful, he was…. he was so wise and seems so together. If i can’t trust him who can i trust?

He could do that thing with his brain…. where he turns it on and just keeps on riffing FOREVER. You might have seen him a  few movies and been like “yeah, he’s, you now, he’s okay, i gues he was kind of funny in that one thing…” that’s not why i stand in reverance of him. He can do that thing with his brain. That thing i try to do, just not in a comedic way. where you get it going and ride it as long and far as possible. But i can’t do it like he can.

What i’m talking about is in this clip here. He just turns on and can go forever. Sure you can be silly. i can be silly, but he is silly to jazz master levels. He is a master clown. He is Pagliacci.

Do not know his personal demons. i cannot judge him or his battles. Perhaps he found himself on the low side of battle he’s battled a thousand times, knew the tiring, painful cycle by heart and knew he had to crawl up around the spiral AGAIN, all that energy yet another time, another damn time, all for what? So he could complete the cycle yet again and find himself right back here in another year or two, or 6 months  and do it all again. So many times. Better to just bow out. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy, see the point in mustering the whole fight, the whole trial for the hundredth time.

Or maybe that’s total bullshit i’m pulling out my ass and really i have no idea at all.

I have no idea.

But… it’s just…. it’s not supposed to be HIM who cashes himself out. He’s the one i look to for reasons to go ON, for the bright side, for that dive into the joyous stream of consciousness.

I don’t understand. And if HE could… then everything is suddenly a lot more fragile than it was when i got up yesterday morning and it’s SCARY fragile.

I want to hug my little boy. And when i’m all teary and he wonders what the HECK is wrong with silly Daddy… i think i’m not gonna explain this one just yet. I explain it all, there are no taboo subjects, i don’t believe in completely shielding children, just editing for their level of understanding. I think this one we don’t have touch on just yet, i’d rather hear him tell me why Green Lantern is the most awesome superhero in the entire world.

Dammit, Robin Williams, why’d you have to break my heart at the end? Still, thank you for it all. You were an inspiration. I loved that thing you did with your brain, i always aspired to it in my own way. I hope you’re at peace.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
                         Here Captain! dear father!
                         This arm beneath your head!
                         It is some dream that on the deck,
                         You’ve fallen cold and dead.
1 Comment

Posted by on August 12, 2014 in Uncategorized


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One response to “Oh Captain My Captain

  1. karen clawson

    August 12, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Well said. My heart broke a little yesterday when I heard this news. Thank you for your words.


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