I leave this topic with a song.
It never got less awkward. The conversations were always horrifically awkward. He wanted a father/son relationship i couldn’t give. I never developed feelings for him. I just… they never came. He and some others in the picture were disappointed and at times even a little angry with me over that. But i can’t…. manufacture love on command. The story would have been so much more perfect and beautiful had i been able to, but…no emotion ever came.
I made sure to Skype with some regularity and he definitely got to know my toddler, his grandson, and his grandson knows him. I also stay in touch with his sister who i DO feel love for.
How to be a father with a disastrous track record of fathers and father/son relationships is one i struggle with also.
Who you are, who you are because of the lives of those who came before you and the traits and constellations they gave you, the relationships and the patterns in your life that play out, over and over, the free will you exercise and the chains that bind you which you cannot or will not even see, the things you owe and the things you don’t, the things you feel and the things you don’t….love, anger, forgiveness, indifference…… ah hell. I don’t know. Here’s a song.